My Journey To conquer Anxiety

To revealed I’m a type of a person with different story of personality (ies). Story all over story, hmm-mp, what that’s it mean?

I’m not really sure if   “what is really happening” but one thing for sure I’m struggling the split personality for years, (four year’s to be exact ) that causes me so much of anxiety and depression. My attitude is not healthy anymore, paulit-ulit na lang. There were times I’m good, had the sweetest gestures, easy to asked favors but there much time I became a monster that you’ll never like to be with. Just want to stay inside the black room, want to cry, and shout. I’ve lost loved and friendship because of this . Now , trying to stand by my own,  fight for it to make me back from old own-self. Sometimes I succeed but I tend to failed, too. I want hug. It’s difficult to live. It’s surreal!

Why I’m having trouble? I Can’t give enough assessment why it happens to me, But looking back when  I was a child , I’m physically and mentally abused through pamamalo o maling pagdidisiplina, bulyaw, sigaw. Away bati ng mga magulang (nagigising kami sa bulyawan ng parents namin, nagtutukan ng baril) , then parents misunderstanding lead to hiwalayan, subra kaming apektadong magkakapatid, SAD so SAD ;-( ;-( I’m not blaming our family about my status today because traditionally parents and great ancestors  uses “kamay na bato” when it comes to disciplined but the saddest about this practiced it can affects to our later part of our lives. At barilan sa lugar namin ( kitang-kita talaga namin yon mga nagbabagang barilan ng mga encounters minsan pa nga kami lang sa bahay noon with my siblings and grandmother kanya-kanya kaming hanap ng mga mapagtataguan at kanya-kanyang dapa and our grandfather was at the field and our parent was in the poblacion( subrang traumatic ito sa akin ),  Of course bullying, too and worst the harassment I’v experience 10 years ago, that was not once but so many times. Those events from my childhood we’re so traumatic (hindi ako nagsasalita at nakakain as far as I remember). And until now if any of those events may happen again, my anxiety triggers right away, feeling unworthy and increase the risk of suicidal. YES, i have been experiencing to quit or kill myself sad but yes, please stop adult bullying. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is difficult to handle especially I’m living away to far from my family.

I really don’t know yet but I’m seeking help now for a therapy.

Now, I have psychiatrist for my medications and discussions it’s been months already that we’d discuss my concern ,at first that was hard for me to talk , to begin with, where to start of. But through the help of my psychiatrist little by little, I did it. I started facing difficulty  to DISTRESS.

And one of these is to focus on my health status, my fitness routine. I go back to which I became confident,bright and eager to live the life . I go back to the place where I called my sanctuary , go back to the thing that cleanses my body, nourishing my soul and loving my self again.

Back to a morning shake everyday. Where friends of Good nutrition Meet Every Day.

 

Every morning or though sometimes I missed to visit the nutrition club, this place helps me a lot to realized my worth as a woman. Being myself…

It’s not a therapy center for those who are suffering from anxiety and  depression, this is a place where to change your eating habits and lifestyle but ever since I’ve come to this place I feel distressed. WHY?

First, the two coaches who has a big heart and a passion to their chosen CAREER.

Second, the very motivated members that allow themselves to change their lives.

Third, the bonding of everyone sharing their thoughts, ideas and tips on how to DO that and this.

I call this place my sanctuary where I can breath in deeply and Feel the glimpse of something new is coming.

Aside from lifestyle changing,  I also make things that are easy for me to do such as photography and lay out of some photos, graphics designing, too. And go back to writing jobs because thru writing I can  conceptualized  news worthy articles and it makes me feel ” worthy “,too. And Engaging myself to be active at work, that  feels so “great” Attending events IN & OUT of the city to enjoy cool ambiance of the environment from nature, listening different stories, news and ideas from my co-attendees/writers/journalist/bloggers.

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 And most important is to prayed, seeking help to GOD.
Being with soulful searching
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beautiful sunrise while I’m praying

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Roman Catholic prayed with rosary
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Lighting/burning candle with petition, I prayed for my heart’s healing
Loving plants that so therapeutic to my eyes just like these below. And I learned that plants and gardening is most recommended of some psychiatrist to those who suffering from anxiety and depression.
Gorgeous plants and flowers taken from the Cedarhills Garden Center
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feelin’ the unique color of Petunia

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cactus&succulent

Among of these, I know there a lot of so many things  to do for distressing, for conquering depression and fighting for becoming a monsters by having a split personality when anger triggers .

I am really eager to help myself, to bring back those days just like a child with no worries but contentment. To be honest I’m still on a process of healing and It’s really difficult for me especially when I surrounds people who diminished my peaceful mind ( alam mo yon nagpapagalit sa iyo, yon minsan hindi kayo maintindihan kung bakit mo ginagawa ito, o walang tiwala sa iyo at lalo na kapag yon taong may kasalanan sa iyo siya pa ang galit, siya pa ang magbabanta and of course, adult bullying is very bad, actually it really worst )

My psychiatrist told me to do a journal on my day to day activities. And Yes, I have my journal which all of my sentiments, complains, recording of my work with results and assessment has been written,  All is in my journal. 

It’s a mix of emotion though, but what is important I know the truth behind and who is real and fake.

Well, my doctor is right, the next time I’ll make a decision I shouldn’t give trust  easily because its not good, can’t help actually.

I am not a conservative woman , not liberated either. I am just enjoying my barkada’s gig, the night life and unplanned getaways!!!

I really missed my ” old-sassy “ personality. 

To those who’d been affected my attitude problem, I sincerely apologizing.

—–Thank you——–

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6 Comments

  1. I hope you find your way of dealing with this. Everyone of us in in a search, some more than others. I think it is good you are seeking help and that you are writing about it. Like this you will find that you are never alone in this and this will be comforting 🙂 Sending you lots of positive energy. hugs Kat

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